The annual medical ramadan.

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MaxZ
Senior Airman
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Joined: 27 Sep 2013, 09:08
Location: LOWL

The annual medical ramadan.

Post by MaxZ »

Hi folks, I thought I'll share my medical examination experience with ya'll. A PIREP in five chapters.

Ladies and gentlemen, virtual pilots and real ones, welcome to the hilarious recap of my annual medical examination for pilots!
Hold on tight as we embark on a hilarious journey, where I battled the craving for a (or five) beer(s) after two months of sobriety, indulged in countless hours of running and cycling, and maintained a diet so healthy it could make a celery-kale smoothie jealous in what I call:

The Fürsty-Ramadan.

Buckle up and prepare for a comical journey filled with doctor's advice ignored, beer-fueled escapades, and the desperate hope of passing for another year.
Please keep your laughter contained until the end of the report to avoid disrupting the flight of humor!

Disclaimer: this might be slightly exaggerated. Any resemblance to real-world individuals is purely coincidental. :lol:

Chapter 1: Sober Living and Fitness Frenzy
As the dreaded annual medical examination approaches, I find myself in the frenzy of preparation.
Ignoring the doctor's advice from the previous year, I engaged in marathon sessions of beer consumption that would make even the most dedicated half-litre-lifter blush.
Why exercise restraint when you can toast to a successful flight and forget about those pesky health concerns? After all, who needs kale smoothies when you have a cold one in hand?

In the months leading up to the dreaded annual medical examination, I took on the Herculean task of sobriety. Oh, the agony! The craving for a cold, foamy beer haunted me like a persistent, young, know-it-all co-pilot.
But I resisted, channeling my willpower and counting the days until I could unleash the beer enthusiast within me. I mustered the discipline of a saint, proving that I had the self-control to abstain from my beloved brews... for a little while, at least.

With the alcohol on the backburner, I channeled my energy into an exercise frenzy of epic proportions. Running and cycling became my new best friends during my time on deployment as I logged countless hours of sweat and determination.
I sprinted like a cheetah and pedaled like a man possessed, leaving a trail of bewildered onlookers in my wake. My commitment to physical fitness was unparalleled, and I swear the treadmill feared me. Who needs wings when you can fly on a runner's high?

Chapter 2: Healthy Habits
In tandem with my fitness craze, I embraced a diet so healthy it could make a nutritionist weep with joy. I devoured cucumber salads, quinoa bowls, and chia seed porridge like they were going out of style.
My kitchen transformed into a haven of green goodness, with fruits and vegetables prancing around like the stars of a healthy food parade. I became a connoisseur of clean eating, all while my mind whispered, "Just one beer won't hurt, right?"

Chapter 3: The Arrival
The day of reckoning finally arrives, and I make my way to the medical facility, the DLR in Cologne. It is 0630 in the morning, what better thing could I have to do? I get there with a mix of anticipation and longing
It seems the scent of a brewery has taken up residence in their lungs, leaving the staff contemplating whether they should call the AA (Aviation Anonymous) instead.
As I gazed at the receptionists, my eyes involuntarily darted toward the vending machine, where bottles of coke, Bifi and chocolate bars beckoned like sirens. But I resisted their seductive call, reminding myself that the examination was my priority.
Oh, the sweet torture of a sober mind yearning for the frothy embrace of a carbonhydrates!

Chapter 4: The Physical Check-up
The first hurdle was the blood sampling, where a small needle punctured my skin, extracting a sample that would reveal the inner secrets of my health. I couldn't help but wonder if the remnants of my past unhealthy eating habits were still lingering in my bloodstream, ready to be exposed.
Following the blood sampling, I was led to the lung function test, where I took deep breaths and exhaled with the determination of a category 6 hurricane. As I blew into the apparatus, I silently hoped that my lungs, once clogged with the remnants of pipe smoking and greasy fast food,
had now been revitalized through my dedication to a healthier lifestyle. Would my breaths of fresh air be a testament to my newfound commitment to clean living?
Next in line was the electrocardiogram (ECG), a test that would assess the electrical activity of my heart. The doctor led me to the stress test, an exercise in which I was challenged physically while my heart's response was closely monitored.
As I pedaled furiously like a hate-fueled Lance Armstrong on crack, beads of sweat forming on my brow, I couldn't help but reflect on the countless moments of weakness and dietary sins.
The stress test would uncover the truth about my cardiovascular endurance, showing whether my efforts to improve my diet had paid off.
Following the stress test, I underwent the blood pressure examination. As the cuff tightened around my arm, I hoped that the reading would reflect the positive changes I had made in my eating habits. My commitment translated directly into a lower blood pressure. Having defeated my arch enemy of blood pressure I was a lot less tense.
Last but not least was the hearing test. Stepping into the soundproof booth, I hoped that my ears, once accustomed to thrusting beats of Europe's dancefloors and the vigorous roar of aircraft engines, had not suffered irreparable damage.
The doctor sends the quietest of beeps and boops through the headphones, and I strained to catch every tone, silently thanking the universe for reminding me to preserve my hearing amidst my past gustatory adventures.

Chapter 5: The Final Verdict
As the examination draws to a close, I held my breath, anxiously awaiting the results.
Did their beer-fueled antics throughout the year spell doom for their aviation career? The doctor, with a mischievous grin, unveils the results, and it's a resounding triumph!
I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing I can continue my antics for another year. . Perhaps they'll even consider some moderation... or not. No. I will eventually throw overboard all the good habits. Starting in a week when I go on vacation to the US with the missus.

Conclusion:
And there you have it, folks, the uproarious journey through the annual medical examination for me! From disregarded doctor's advice to beer-soaked escapades, this adventure is a testament to the pilot's ability to navigate both the skies and the hilarity of their own lives.
So, the next time you fly, remember the chuckle-worthy anecdotes that unfolded during your bus driver's examinations and appreciate the humor behind the cockpit door.
Happy flying, and may your laughter soar high!

Max
Public service announcement: You put an aircraft in a hangar, not a hanger.

Bones
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 292
Joined: 19 Mar 2021, 19:34

Re: The annual medical ramadan.

Post by Bones »

:D :mrgreen: Glad you passed!

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MaxZ
Senior Airman
Posts: 174
Joined: 27 Sep 2013, 09:08
Location: LOWL

Re: The annual medical ramadan.

Post by MaxZ »

This yearly event is always a hoot! :lol: /s
Public service announcement: You put an aircraft in a hangar, not a hanger.

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blockwood
Airman
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Joined: 18 Feb 2013, 15:29

Re: The annual medical ramadan.

Post by blockwood »

Are you supposed to be sober for these tests? I guess I now know why my doctor always questioned the results of my tests. :D

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MaxZ
Senior Airman
Posts: 174
Joined: 27 Sep 2013, 09:08
Location: LOWL

Re: The annual medical ramadan.

Post by MaxZ »

Well they say to not drink, smoke and eat from 1900 the day before the examinations...what difference can a few hours make, right? Something along the line of twelve hours (or was that metres??) from bottle to throttle.
Public service announcement: You put an aircraft in a hangar, not a hanger.

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