Australia

[Killratio]

I just tripped across this again after years. It was NOT, as often claimed, written by Douglas Adams (actually by a gent named Jeremy Lee)

I thought you may like it. I know Colin (MacDonaldDouglas) can relate to it!!!!!



Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of
many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all
three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the
spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and
spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.
Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller
cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho!My hole is collapsing!"
at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the
Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known
way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has
venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lots of them died.
The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie,
cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.

They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest
and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and
has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger,
unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron,
string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a
Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best
{insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form
of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off
any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:

"G'Day!"

"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

"She'll be right."

"And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.
And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.

Thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore. (MY NOTE : this is the truest part of the whole essay!)

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"

[Dogsbody55]

This reminds me of my arrival in Australia in June of 1967. I was 12 at the time, having come from a land which is pretty safe with very few dangerous snakes and spiders, all the spiders being small and harmless. We landed in Sydney and started to get to know the place thanks to some collegues of my Dad who took us out to show us around. One of them was also a Pom, having come out a couple of years before. He started telling us about how it's mostly the small spiders here you have to be careful of and red back spiders are common. These can get very aggressive and put you in hospital if you get too close.

YIKES!!!!

Oh, and never put your hand on a tree trunk as you're walking in a park or in the bush as there might be a Funnel Web spider on it which will definitely put you in hospital.

DOUBLE YIKES!!!

One last thing, says he. If you're walking on the rocks at the top of the beach, careful where you put your feet. Some rock pools might have a Blue Ringed Octopus lurking, probably trapped by the tide. They can kill you.

TRIPLE YIKES!!! Errr, can we go home now??? Suddenly rain most days and snow don't seem so bad.

A short time later we were looking at a house which was built on a hillside. Flat blocks of land were at a premium in Sydney back then and in this house you walked out the back door onto the top of a boulder. The real estate agent said not to worry if there's any snakes basking in the sun when you walk out. Just keep a shot gun handy.

Ummmm... Yep. We didn't buy that house.

Finally, a few of months later, we moved in to our own house just as summer is about to start. One night it was a bit warm, so I opened the window to get some air in the room. Just as I was closing the fly screen, in walks this humongous tarantula like spider.

AAARRRRGGGHHH............

Welcome to paradise.

Cheers,
Mike

[MarcE]

My brother's ex girlfriend was an au pair in or near Melbourne and when he was visiting her the first thing he learnt was that the kitchen was locked due to a spider. A very warm welcome

Later they were travelling around and their area they stayed at was flooded and they were evacuated by Twin Otter.

But he had a blast.


My dad's best friend is Aussi, raised in Melbourne and came to Germany at the age of 15 or 16. Now, having retired, he met a woman from Austria. Now he's an Austrialian in Austria. Things happen. ^^

[Killratio]

Yes guys...It DOES on the surface, appear to be a dangerous place!

Of course, in reality, it isn't nearly as bad as it sounds. Having said that, 3000 people a year get bitten by snakes (roughly 1 per year dies), many more bites by venomous spiders, hardly any deaths.

I've been bitten 3 times by redbacks, making me quite ill each time...but I don't "do" doctors, let alone hospitals and, consequently, just suffered through it each time.

But in nearly 50 years of walking around the bush regularly, I've only had half a dozen close(ish) snake encounters, never been bitten and nearly been bitten only once. (I'm sure many more
snakes have seen ME)

The vast majority of bites occur in urban areas and are almost exclusively suffered by people trying to kill the snake. Occasionally someone steps on one they haven't seen
(what nearly happened to me) and that is unfortunate. As Mike would know, Western Australians are far less likely to be bitten and far less likely to attack snakes. It has
to do with the Eastern Brown being much more keen on habitation and also more aggressive, than our western Dugite. ("Previous research has found that people in Eastern Australia were 20 times
more likely to approach a snake, and 100 times more likely to attack a snake, which contributes to snake bites, so educating the general public about the dangers of snakes could be lifesaving for
both the human and the snake," Associate Professor Bateman said.... Curtin University study)

But I DO always carry a stick and always have several litres of water


By the by...both dogs have done snake avoidance courses but even so, neither would be allowed off lead like this at any time between start of August and early May!!!
about a dog a week is lost to snakes in our town alone.

[MarcE]

Regarding snakes it's just as simple as (being) obvious. Make sure they notice you and they'll leave before you even notice them. Most if not all australian venemous snakes are Elapidae and they are normally not aggressive. Even the rather aggressive Black Mamba (african, I know, but same family) will not attack if it has enough space to escape.

Even the thousands of rattlesnake bites in the US and Mexico are mainly caused by sheer stupidity or alcohol (or both).

[Lewis - A2A]

OMG those dogs are amazing and I need to pet them and tell them they are good bois Also nice stick, you are one ascension aways from Gandalf

thanks,
Lewis

[Mickel]

Had a close encounter with a baby Brown Snake on an industrial site. A colleague and I were sitting discussing life, universe and everything when we realised said snake had slithered between the hands we were leaning back on and the wall of the building, about a foot behind them... We left well and good alone. In almost a dozen years here, it has been my only encounter with a snake in ‘the wild’.

[McDonnell-Douglas]

My ears were burning Killratio

I know I do not post as frequently as I used to, but people, I read the forums daily.
To quote Fred Astaire ‘I’ve got my eyes on you’.

Still waiting for an Accusim twin piston or jet, it’s been in the post

Australia, land of the free and to quote Manchester’s most renowned philosopher/idiot Karl Pilkington:
‘Box jellyfish; crocodiles; snakes; blue-ringed octopus; redback spiders; funnel-web spiders; great white sharks. Just some of the reasons that put me off going to Australia’. Every creature is bigger and angrier than anywhere else on the world. I put it down to two things, Spiders and snakes and the like normally hide under rocks. The earth is one big rock. Australia is at the bottom of the rock and they are trying to hide under it.’

It reminds me of one of my trips to western Australia.
I rolled into the arrival’s hall, sleep deprived, waiting to be picked up. I noticed a stereotypically dressed Australian, ridiculous hat amongst other things. It never occurred to me that there was logic to this and other habits. Do not get me started on the hazardous animals.
The sun scorches your skin, you begin dehydrating the moment you step out. Be careful where you put your hands, do not lean against trees or railings, check under the public toilet before you sit down.
There are poisonous snakes the same colour as the earth, spiders hide under bonnets and under the lids of barbecues. I remember checking the walls before I slept
Always carry water, a stick, and a hat at the very least.
On the other hand the scenery is beautiful, the people relatively warm, the beer surprisingly refreshing and the pub grub delicious, and far too rich if you have ingested airplane food in the past twenty four hours.
Cannot comment on their friendship with the yanks. Something about being overpaid, oversexed, and over here I think they love each other.

Best Regards,
Colin

[jcblom]

I stepped on a King Brown once, up in the Pilbara.
Luckily, I stepped on the good part, its head, and this was just a split second before I broke the world record long jumping....unfortunately nobody saw me do it

[Killratio]

Thanks Lewis, they are great dogs and (relatively) well trained/behaved.

Here is my stick, hacked out of the jungles of PNG and carved by my guide on one of the trips.
I have a few of them but this one was from a trip in the middle of the wet season, which was particularly memorable,
not least for having more rain dropped on me in two weeks than in the rest of my life put together! I use it all of the time.




And that "ridiculous hat", Colin



I remember one of my sleep deprived UK friends following me 200 feet up a granite outcrop, convinced, I am sure,
that if the snakes did not kill him the scorching hot rocks, or the fall therefrom, would. He did do well
though, all things considered. I had no idea that he had checked the walls for spiders but had I known, I am sure I would
have said something comforting like "no good doing that, they won't come out from under the bed covers until the lights go off".



jcblom and MarcE... Ouch. The Mulgas are a bad tempered sort of a snake. You were very lucky! They aren't found where I live now but I grew up with them
around The Goldfields. My favourite (but Darwinianly fatal) King Brown story came from a mining camp near where my brother was working. The full story
never made the press, just the fact that a mine worker who was drunk (in the days before "dry camps") had tried to catch the snake and been fatally bitten.
What actually happened apparently, was that he was holding a beer (his "severalth" for the night) in his right hand and grabbed the snake by the tail with his left
as he had been told they could not bite you if you "tailed" them.

It bit him 3 or 4 times on the left leg.

Now our hero was a little shocked at first but quickly recovered his semi impaired wits and realised that he was RIGHT HANDED. This was obviously where he had
gone wrong.

So he swapped the beer and the snake between his hands!

The Mulga very discourteously bit him another 3-4 times on the right leg, by which time he had decided that "tailing" didn't seem to be effective in this case.

In a sad turn of events, it transpired that the time it took the Flying Doctor to get to the Goldfields, get back to Perth and treat him, was far too long
and he died 3 days later.

[Killratio]

By coincidence, I was sent this today which was filmed around where I go for a few days before each trip to PNG (to acclimatise).
An advert for Australian tourism...well, sort of...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Wo4sEMoauU

Personally I think that this is VERY overdone (it is by a Kiwi, after all), however I do have to admit that it is 90% true.

BTW, the bird they are talking about is a Cassowary (not the emu you have in the film). Emus are harmless, extremely stupid birds,
Cassowaries are, well, not. Third largest ad second heaviest bird in the world. I've only ever encountered one (in PNG) not in Qld, but as that was in
VERY steep country, the locals were not at all happy about it being so close to the group. They suggested it should not be, it considered attacking and decided it
would rather be a cassowary than a casserole... so it fled down an impossible slope through the jungle, sounding something like a cross between a train crash
and Indiana Jones' large rock ball.


I'll leave it to you to make up your mind:

Cassowaries have a reputation for being dangerous to people and domestic animals. During World War II American and Australian troops stationed in New Guinea were warned to steer clear of them. In his 1958 book, Living Birds of the World, ornithologist Ernest Thomas Gilliard wrote:

The inner or second of the three toes is fitted with a long, straight, murderous nail which can sever an arm or eviscerate an abdomen with ease. There are many records of natives being killed by this bird.

"Cassowaries feed mainly on fruit, in addition to fungi, invertebrates, and small vertebrates. Cassowaries are very wary of humans, but if provoked they are capable of inflicting serious, even fatal, injuries to both dogs and people. The cassowary has often been labeled "the world's most dangerous bird". The first documented human death caused by a cassowary was on April 6, 1926. In Australia, 16-year-old Phillip McClean and his brother, age 13, came across a cassowary on their property and decided to try and kill it by striking it with clubs. The bird kicked the younger boy, who fell and ran away as his older brother struck the bird. The older McClean then tripped and fell to the ground. While he was on the ground, the cassowary kicked him in the neck, opening a 1.25 cm (0.5 in) wound that may have severed his jugular vein. The boy died of his injuries shortly thereafter.[43]

Cassowary strikes to the abdomen are among the rarest of all, but there is one case of a dog that was kicked in the belly in 1995. The blow left no puncture, but there was severe bruising. The dog later died from an apparent intestinal rupture.[43]

Another human death due to a cassowary was recorded in Florida on April 12, 2019. The bird's owner, a 75-year-old man who had raised the animal, was apparently clawed to death after he fell to the ground.